The Last Entry You'll Ever Find From Me About You

Tomorrow marks a new day for me... the last day you'll ever entirely be in my thoughts.
Thinking about it... it shouldn't bother me but since you indeed are impossible to get through to I'll say it here in my own blog home.
I feel like I have grown out of you. You have veered towards another path in life and so have I. I am not ashamed of my job, my home, my boyfriend, the way I handle my animals, or the fact that I am allowed to stay home at night and watch t.v. it's my friggin life.
It feels nice saying that because it's like you won't listen to this.
Things you find okay are not things I find okay. Honestly asking around has made it clear to me that other people don't find those things okay. In no way am I jealous of your relationship with your other friend, but honestly I can sense when I'm a third wheel, hence why there is even a saying that goes along with that.
Although we have had fun times together (the three of us) and we have, I feel that you are more interested in her as far as being best friends. I did stop feeling like one of your "best friends" when you started hanging out all the time. I feel that you need some one who agrees with you on just about everything. I don't anymore and honestly I'm okay with that now. I see it now. Call me "pathetic" in your eyes but it is what it is. I don't feel sorry for myself I blame myself for feeling like there was a glimmer of you left from middle school and high school. I believe there could be once in a while I'd see it in someone who didn't have to have the words alcohol or marijuana in every sentence they formed. And no that doesn't make me disapproving. I disapproved of you doing it on my property, yes because when you own property you are liable. You'll see that someday. No I didn't disapprove of what you did in your free time at all I just didn't participate, there's a difference. It did feel at times though that in order for you to have fun you had to be stoned or drunk some how. That's not me, sorry.
At times I felt like you were pressuring me. "Oh we got to get her drunk" bull shit or pressing the whole vegan thing. I know you probably didn't feel that way because you being yourself you don't own up to stuff like that you pretty much blame other people. It was your mannerisms. If you want to question that then do so, but please remember that pretty much at every job besides Robeks you had a reason why someone didn't like you. Actually you had it at Robeks too.
So two things, you call me crazy and awkward and all those insulting things, but please take a look at yourself before you start having mouth diarrhea again. I think honestly this is my fault who you are in a sense. I was always there for you even when you and the friend I'm supposedly jealous of got into fights. You had asked me every time if you were crazy and I said no every time. I ruined you. That I do say is my fault. I don't think you're clinically crazy... you just have a hard time looking at yourself before you start spitting out insults and thinking people have problems with you. Normal people don't do that. I was right when we last fought.... You feel like there is a camera pointed at you 24/7. There isn't.
Don't bring other people into the equation when you want to fight. You don't know Brian and if he doesn't like you it's because he sees how much you treat your friends like crap. You don't like him because you wanted to form a unit against me when we were fighting in the car and it back fired on you. You don't like him because he's friends with people like the Mooneys and Sam and all the people we didn't appreciate in MIDDLE SCHOOL. That's another thing you need to let go of:hating people STILL (and you do) from middle school. This whole "I hate Chesterland" thing. Get over yourself and grow up. If you hate it so bad get an apartment. Stop hanging around there waiting to go to L.A. .
You never liked him honestly because you thought he was taking away me being some one who wouldn't have a problem with you. Our fights only started when he entered my life. So why don't you stop being jealous? It's a little kindergarten don't you think?
Maybe you may have what it takes to be an actor because you feel there must always be drama in your life or you aren't complete. That's sad. It's upsetting to me that you'll never realize who you are if you just keep lying to yourself. It is very sad. Take a hard look at yourself. There's not many people around for you to go to. What happens when all you have is Ashley? I give it a couple months before you start getting into fights with her because she's happy with someone. You'll feel like she's neglecting you and you'll pass it off as a weakness that she has a boyfriend whom she cares about and can tolerate for more than a day straight. You'll start bitching about your parents again and you'll ask her if you're crazy and she'll say no. It's a cycle with you. I just don't know if she'll tolerate what you say like I did. I did feel weak next to you. Today is the first time in my life I'm not sorry about what I say to you. I don't feel bad at all. I feel cleansed and like I can breathe and it's really kinda nice. I didn't insult you I just gave to you what you shamelessly threw in my face through out the past 3 years. You have no shame in hurting people and that is what makes you an awful friend. So there it is. I feel better and well now. I feel like there's nothing on my shoulders and if you come across this it's gravy because you need to hear it. I can't say it to you in person because you talk in circles so read it and feel it. I hope it feels like something of a break through. Blame for yourself. If not oh well... I shouldn't have to deal with that. Letting people place blame on me all the time so they don't have to face themselves.
Honestly I knew it was a bad week for you and I tried to make it better. You did this. It's on you.
If you want L.A. just go already. Brave it for once. I feel like you're too scared to leave Cleveland to face homelessness and having to depend on a job to survive. If you do it God bless you but I haven't seen it yet.
Good bye shadow of a person I once knew.

skins

Watching skins....it's kind of weird because I've seen the actual series....the acting is soooo bad in the American version.... and it's weird because they do the sammmmmee exact things... All the boys have beady eyes and small heads...
Brian's just sitting across the room from me...I asked him if he'd elope with me.... He said no...Some one who I could be with would elope with me....Do something crazy and exciting with me like get our names tattooed on each other's asses. Boring.
Why can't movie love be real love? It just doesn't exist... Or maybe it does some where far away.

Blue Valentine

Mikey and I saw Blue Valentine today and it was so amazing. Every couple should go see it.  At least any couple who is dealing with problems right now...
It kind of reminds you of the past.
(Little interruption: Kim Kardashian...yes she is soooo beautiful...but from what I can tell from her shows she's not too interesting)
So anyway back to Blue Valentine.... My first impression of Dean (Ryan Gosling) was that he wasn't a bad dad or husband so much...I think he was just stuck trying to take care of his family. Okay...I'll just explain what happens (SPOILER ALERT!)
It starts out this little girl who's seemingly Dean (Ryan Gosling) and Cindy (Michelle Williams) and she's calling for her dog Megan.  Ryan Gosling gets up to help his daughter, they can't find the dog yadda yadda...later they find out Cindy left the door open to the kennel and the dog gets hit by a car. It's obvious there's tension between the two.
They drop their daughter off at Cindy's dad's house and reluctantly go to a hotel together for the night.  Dean does this as an attempt to reconnect with Cindy.  They end up in a cheap futuristic themed room with a rotating space bed....(Yeah I thought it was pretty bitchin' too)
Cindy doesn't feel like having sex, yet Dean does and attempts with Cindy.  Cindy reluctantly tells him to do it and Dean gets angry and falls asleep in the bathroom.  Cindy wakes up in the morning and goes to work.
Dean gets this note from Cindy and drives drunk to Cindy's job two hours away.  This ends pretty badly as everyone at Cindy's job hates Dean and thinks he's total drunk (which he pretty much is)  Dean tries speaking with Cindy trying to reason with her as I believe he knows she's trying to move her job.  Dean is frustrated gets into a bad fight with her at the office and everyone tries to intercede. Dean ends up knocking the lights out of the head doctor from the office.
This all ends with Cindy losing her job and going to grab her daughter (Which you find out isn't Dean's after all but Dean takes care of the child as his own)
It goes all sorts of ways as you see both sides of the story... There's Dean. this alcoholic blue collar worker...who is fighting pretty hard to keep his relationship and family together.  Is he trying to hold on to the love of his life or just the stability that Cindy holds? You don't want to put a damper on his character because in the flash backs he's so lovely.  So excited to start his life with Cindy...already aware he isn't good enough for her. Possibly thinking he will be able to live off her? Who knows...coming from someone like myself who is pretty skeptical of men now.
Then there's Cindy who's just incredibly bitter.  Thinking about possibly cheating.  At least you get an air about her that says that.  As someone in her position in a sense it's like that.  You see other men who are more successful and it's like they have this draw. It doesn't matter how much you love the man you're with. She doesn't care that he's trying to support the relationship in an emotional way. She's obviously the bread winner. I can relate to that because it's hard with finances.  It just isn't enough some times.
So anyways Blue Valentine definitely see it whether or not you are in a relationship.  It's pretty educational and delves into the lives of two American people as a couple. What happens to us as individuals when we grow up and live real life. You cannot live on love and fresh water....
Sad to say...
Movies like that make me miss and long for first dates and falling in love

A song

Would I be fruity if I say "Take My Breath Away" by Berlin was a song that was very huge song to me as I was discovering love as a teenager? Kinda fruity right? In fact I want to say songs by Journey, Foreigner, and Berlin were all definitely part of my developing understanding of love as a fifteen year old. I had this boyfriend who I definitely saw as like my teenage dream boat or something. In reality he was a kind of messed up balding eighteen year old who used me as a rebound... but whatever. Oh marching band....
boys are stupid.
There's a certain romance in eighties songs though... Not that there isn't a special characteristic sort of romance in other songs in each century but the eighties have a certain feeling....like... Having a beat up car with bad hair

Long icicles

Taking down Christmas decorations is very depressing....
having them up well into January is even more depressing....
Not having spoken to Andy is largely depressing... even if he's a dense ass hole
I'm watching this UK series called 'skins' and there's this episode where they make a musical about 9/11.  Is it too soon for something like that? Maybe not for Britain but for us?
I watch anything and it's about New York and it just makes me want to live there so bad.  I've been watching 'Sex and the City' like a mad girl and it kind of inspires me artistically. Anything where some one is successful doing what they love inspires me. I think one day I might live in New York... or at least have a time share there.
Refrigerator is white and scaly.  Full of Misfit magnets light bulbs, calenders and a list of money owed.  The freezer is a bit small and the fridge part is mediocre. I wish I had a chest freezer.  When I have money again some day perhaps. The fridge hums and it's obnoxious. It just sits there one the blue and grey speckled tile floor and hums away.
The cabinet next to the fridge is skinny and small and it comes up to my waist.  It looks like a robot.  Like a child robot who's parents are the stupid fridge and short, stout stove.
God my parents would kill me if I had a life size poster of Brian sort of naked on my wall. They'd also kill me if I had a comforter with a naked man and naked woman on it without heads.
Going to have a garage sale in the Spring...I can't wait to get rid of all the shite I don't need and to have total organization

Art Application.

I spent a month an art application for the Cleveland Institute of Art. I've never wanted anything more in my life. I'm praying to myself that I can get accepted and go.