Tomorrow marks a new day for me... the last day you'll ever entirely be in my thoughts.
Thinking about it... it shouldn't bother me but since you indeed are impossible to get through to I'll say it here in my own blog home.
I feel like I have grown out of you. You have veered towards another path in life and so have I. I am not ashamed of my job, my home, my boyfriend, the way I handle my animals, or the fact that I am allowed to stay home at night and watch t.v. it's my friggin life.
It feels nice saying that because it's like you won't listen to this.
Things you find okay are not things I find okay. Honestly asking around has made it clear to me that other people don't find those things okay. In no way am I jealous of your relationship with your other friend, but honestly I can sense when I'm a third wheel, hence why there is even a saying that goes along with that.
Although we have had fun times together (the three of us) and we have, I feel that you are more interested in her as far as being best friends. I did stop feeling like one of your "best friends" when you started hanging out all the time. I feel that you need some one who agrees with you on just about everything. I don't anymore and honestly I'm okay with that now. I see it now. Call me "pathetic" in your eyes but it is what it is. I don't feel sorry for myself I blame myself for feeling like there was a glimmer of you left from middle school and high school. I believe there could be once in a while I'd see it in someone who didn't have to have the words alcohol or marijuana in every sentence they formed. And no that doesn't make me disapproving. I disapproved of you doing it on my property, yes because when you own property you are liable. You'll see that someday. No I didn't disapprove of what you did in your free time at all I just didn't participate, there's a difference. It did feel at times though that in order for you to have fun you had to be stoned or drunk some how. That's not me, sorry.
At times I felt like you were pressuring me. "Oh we got to get her drunk" bull shit or pressing the whole vegan thing. I know you probably didn't feel that way because you being yourself you don't own up to stuff like that you pretty much blame other people. It was your mannerisms. If you want to question that then do so, but please remember that pretty much at every job besides Robeks you had a reason why someone didn't like you. Actually you had it at Robeks too.
So two things, you call me crazy and awkward and all those insulting things, but please take a look at yourself before you start having mouth diarrhea again. I think honestly this is my fault who you are in a sense. I was always there for you even when you and the friend I'm supposedly jealous of got into fights. You had asked me every time if you were crazy and I said no every time. I ruined you. That I do say is my fault. I don't think you're clinically crazy... you just have a hard time looking at yourself before you start spitting out insults and thinking people have problems with you. Normal people don't do that. I was right when we last fought.... You feel like there is a camera pointed at you 24/7. There isn't.
Don't bring other people into the equation when you want to fight. You don't know Brian and if he doesn't like you it's because he sees how much you treat your friends like crap. You don't like him because you wanted to form a unit against me when we were fighting in the car and it back fired on you. You don't like him because he's friends with people like the Mooneys and Sam and all the people we didn't appreciate in MIDDLE SCHOOL. That's another thing you need to let go of:hating people STILL (and you do) from middle school. This whole "I hate Chesterland" thing. Get over yourself and grow up. If you hate it so bad get an apartment. Stop hanging around there waiting to go to L.A. .
You never liked him honestly because you thought he was taking away me being some one who wouldn't have a problem with you. Our fights only started when he entered my life. So why don't you stop being jealous? It's a little kindergarten don't you think?
Maybe you may have what it takes to be an actor because you feel there must always be drama in your life or you aren't complete. That's sad. It's upsetting to me that you'll never realize who you are if you just keep lying to yourself. It is very sad. Take a hard look at yourself. There's not many people around for you to go to. What happens when all you have is Ashley? I give it a couple months before you start getting into fights with her because she's happy with someone. You'll feel like she's neglecting you and you'll pass it off as a weakness that she has a boyfriend whom she cares about and can tolerate for more than a day straight. You'll start bitching about your parents again and you'll ask her if you're crazy and she'll say no. It's a cycle with you. I just don't know if she'll tolerate what you say like I did. I did feel weak next to you. Today is the first time in my life I'm not sorry about what I say to you. I don't feel bad at all. I feel cleansed and like I can breathe and it's really kinda nice. I didn't insult you I just gave to you what you shamelessly threw in my face through out the past 3 years. You have no shame in hurting people and that is what makes you an awful friend. So there it is. I feel better and well now. I feel like there's nothing on my shoulders and if you come across this it's gravy because you need to hear it. I can't say it to you in person because you talk in circles so read it and feel it. I hope it feels like something of a break through. Blame for yourself. If not oh well... I shouldn't have to deal with that. Letting people place blame on me all the time so they don't have to face themselves.
Honestly I knew it was a bad week for you and I tried to make it better. You did this. It's on you.
If you want L.A. just go already. Brave it for once. I feel like you're too scared to leave Cleveland to face homelessness and having to depend on a job to survive. If you do it God bless you but I haven't seen it yet.
Good bye shadow of a person I once knew.
